December 31st 2021 A post from mother - rounding up the year

Dear Family and Friends,

2021 has been quite a year for us. Tyler and I decided in 2021 to stay a while longer in Germany. We made this decision in the beginning of the year. That let to the decision to purchase a house and selling our home on the East Coast, West Hartford, CT. Selling our home were the children grew up in, were we made so many fond memories was a tough decision but the right one at the end. Life moves on and it was time to let go. Being close to our daughter Emily in Berlin, Germany, and her lovely family has been important to us. 

Tobias decided to stay in the US to continue on with his studies in Biotechnology. He got the opportunity to work in a lap to participate actively with his professor  researching antibiotic resistent bacteria. He had fun collecting "poop" and collecting the proper data so that the future generation can be a bit safer. We knew that he is in the right spot and we were  content with it. As parents, we know that at some point in life we will be living close to one of the kids again. Maybe at retirement age, this could be either in the US or in Germany. In 2021, moving back to the US was an  option, but buying a house and staying in Germany felt right and made us feel more serious about the next step in our life.  

Sebastian, in the beginning of the year 2021 was still hesitating were to go to College. He considered Holland or the US. Either places offered the program in Computer Science he was really interested in. Since we have not lived in the US for the past 10 years, Basti started College in the US. This gave him another opportunity to experience the country her grew up in. We were excited for him. Another reason why we were thrilled was,  he would be living close to Tobias and Tylers Family. 

Life seamed perfect in July 2021. We moved houses, decluttered, renovated and left many boxes unpacked since we were planing to be empty nesters with lots of time after our vacation in September. Our family trip to Utah was planned for my mother in law, to be with her since she is not getting younger either. Tobias loved driving her around in her well chair on our outings around town, by the way. I loved watching him being to kind and also so funny with her. A young men with a great sense of humor and a kind heart for his grandmother.  He loved to raise with her in the parking lot ... in her wheelchair and being silly. I will post a cute picture, I took the picture the day before Tobias broke down with his brain bleed. I will hold this memories dearly.

Back to our plans to be empty nesters. We booked a sailing trip with Tylers friend from Brigham City and his wife for  October 2021 to celebrate our new stage of life. I was planing to hand in my thesis for my new degree in educational science and then feel completed with my new career choice. Life sounded fun and life was good. 

Bang! Like the hit of a big comet, life was devastated.  Life can change in a heart beep. Crazy folks. Life has changed for all of us on August 27th 2021 forever. I would say that stress can really change your emotional stability. I am learning that I never stoped running in life, always busy to avoid quietness. My body got my into crazy panic attacks, the kind you think you are fainting, dying, your heart is pounding crazy and so on. They are extremely uncomfortable. Life has stood still since August 27th. Our minds are spinning, but life it self became centered about the care of our son Tobias. Our emotional world has been hit. 

I started with therapy to learn to deal with my emotions to bring myself back to the center, to learn to differentiate between emotions and reality. This seams important for individuals who are suffering under those called "panic attacks" If you learn to face them and to let the physical symptomse go through your system, they become weaker. You basically become stronger and minimize the strength of the fight and flight symptoms. Breathing technics are very important to learn. Mindfulness as medicine. I have found a wonderful seminar giving by a monk He talks about mindfulness and suffering due yo worries in our minds. I am listening to him with Tobias. I am sure that Tobias is in need of some additional help to keep his mental well-being balanced. I asked him how he likes his words. Tobias communicated with his hand, that he likes him. Here is a link if in case you are interested: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTgv4iPgQ2o&ab_channel=PlumVillage

While talking to people, to nurses, doctors and therapist, I am always fishing for the "Tobias will be ok", "Tobias will be healed", Tobias will recover and so on, but no one can give that to me. I needed to understand, that  trust in Tobias must come from within me, faith in his healing must come from trust. I have to grow hope in his healing which follows trust. I am  learning to not to think on my walks and only to think of what I see. The tree, the plant, the gras, the rain, the lights on houses and so on.  That is a real challenge. I walk in nature and try focusing on everything I see, the reason behind it is to be in the moment not in your worries or memories from the past-future. 

I have to fill my "glas" from time to time too be strong for Tobias, there is no other way besides focusing on today, taking "me" time and separating from the situation for a bit. I have decided to drive home once a week, Tyler will hang out with Tobias on the weekend and one day is designed for Tyler and me. 

Driving a care even became a challenge. For some reason it causes stress which causes a physical panic attack. I had plenty of those driving from the hospital in Germany to our home. I had to open all windows, sing out loud (regardless of the cars around me at a red light... ) and do my breathing exercises while driving. I cried, to release stress but that did not always work. My therapist said, driving in the city causes more stress. Since your glas is empty, driving is not a good idea. So I am taking this sirious and wonder to use the train instead. I am not a fan of this idea  since Covid-19 is just another stone in our way right now. Life is crazy folks. 

I hope that you are better with mindfulness. Teach your kids to be mindful. Less pressure is more. More comforting and pointing out what we like on the others is more than empty criticism. It is so painful to notice how hard we all are with ourselves and others. I am just thinking about what we read on the news, on social media and so on. Less of this is now more for me. 

Our life has changed, but it is full of hope. When I listen to  our church sacrement meeting on Sundays,  that people pray for Tobias, it makes me cry, why, because I am so touched by this act of love. When I read your notes and messages, of how much faith and hope you are investing in Tobias full recovery, it makes me hopeful and strengthen me. I want you all to know, that Tyler, EmE, Tobias and  Sebastian are very grateful for all you have done. Sending us cozy blankets, tea, books, prayers, collected funds to support our lunches, healing thoughts, dinners, visits and so on. Tobias is healing, but very slowly. When Tyler and I feed Tobias, we force, at times, the spoon with food in his mouth a bit too hard and at times must be sounding impatient to him. All brain injuries are horrible, our lovely brain heals slow, but only (this might not be exactly right)  because of plasticity, a brain rewires itself and this can take even years. The next 6 to 12 month are important. Tobias therapist are still working on a good plan for him and trying to find new ways to turn him into an active participant. I am looking for eye reading cameras and computer programs to support this progress. 

Here is what Tobias has done this week on his own:

1. He moved a ball towards little Eloise to keep her happy. (Emily and Eloise visited Tobias)
2. He waved to his friend Cocca (via Zoom) by not just lifting his hand, he moved it back and forth like a wave. He wanted her to know that he was there, just not able to get words out. 
3. Mom was sitting him up in the bed, and Tobias was holding up his head very well and supporting himself more in his core. 

If you are interested, please forward us short videos with uplifting words, funny jokes or a memory (3 - 5 minutes) for Tobias. We want him to keep the flame within himself strong,  impulses can strengthen him even more. If you want to FaceTime, just connect with katjadunn@icloud.com

Thanks for reading our blog. I am sure with time we will  find lots of reasons to celebrate Tobias' success to recover. We wish you all a Happy New Year. May 2022 the year of healing and hope. 

Hope over fears!

Katja and Family