Day 120 to 123 Crazy Days Katja/Tobias Post

 

Dear Friends and Family,

 

It has been a pretty cool day guy’s. Let me tell you, Covid-19 has changed a lot in my personal life, in the life of my family and of course in your life. Germany tests a lot. Here, in my new place at the REHA, mom and me and so everyone else is being tested 3 times a week. It is brutal. The nurses go up so high, that the pain is unbearable at times. Mom cries every time a little bit. I can’t express feelings so well yet, but the pain is visible on my face. I think Mom liked her test in the US better, the girl basically just touched the lower part on the inside of her nose. Well, different expectations or more empathy, whatever, I hate the tests but understand that the clinic needs to be rather safe than sorry. Who wants to be in a lockdown, right?! 

 

Emily came to visit us with little Eloise. I really wished that I could have played with her like before. That was not possible, nevertheless Eloise decided to play with be instead. Mom was holding her in front of me. She was sitting on my bed. Suddenly, Eloise decided to put a little soft ball in my hand. She than looked seriously at me and said “Mine”, so she then decided to remove the ball again, a few seconds later, I felt the ball back in my hand. This game went on  a minute or two. Emily unfortunately had to leave. She took Eloise and dressed her. Eloise was no happy little girl. I then decided to give Eloise the bigger ball Mom put in my hand. I showed off, because I cared about my little niece and my sister J. I decided to release the ball and moved it careful with my fingers in front of my hand. I was able to use my fingers to push it on my bed towards Eloise direction. Mom noticed and asked me if I want her to give the ball to Eloise and I was able to bow with a YES. Mom and Emily were very excited that I was able to show so much care and act as TOBIAS. I really needed to show them that I was THERE and not hidden away or perhaps laying there with my mind gone. There is just so much I want to show them, but it does take lots of energy and some missing connections to complete my task. 

 

My mom talked a lot today with her sister and her friend Katja. She said that the conversation with her friend reminded her to go online to see if she has past her thesis. If, that would mean that she finally graduated with her BA Degree in Educational Science. As you know, I do sleep a lot, less than a month ago, but still more so that my brain can heal. I was quiet sleepy, but suddenly, I heard a very loud “WOW! TOBIAS, GUESS WHAT: I PASSED, I AM DONE – I FINISHED WHAT I HAVE STARTED! She walked over to me, she was really excited and so was I. I was so happy for her, that my brain let me 100% wake up, smile and say CONGRATULATION. It was a soft congratulation, but I said it without someone asking me a question. I often say stuff because of a question, but today was a fun day. I decided to give Eloise a ball so that she would not have to sad having to leave and I decided to be happy for mom and expressed it. A good day for me and my family. I told you guys: “Folks I will be back!”

Well today, it was much harder to stay awake and to response. Much better in the afternoon. I had PT and Speech therapy today. I also attended a group of people in wheelchairs at the GYM. All kids younger than I am. It is cool to see how kids around here manage their disabilities from young age on. I am suppose to get better and have a high potential of being able to walk someday, while a lot of those kids here, do not have that potential. Nevertheless, those kids can feed themselves, I can’t. Mom is working on every meal about an hour with me and I still can only eat 20 % of the food offered. Swallowing is a very complex process, and we do this very automated. I am working hard on it, because I really like food, but the consistency I can eat right now is just no fun. 

 

The day ended with us watching a movie, a very inappropriate Office Christmas movie. I don’t think mom realized on time what we were watching. I had a good laugh … ok I could not express that of course. What a shame really. We FT dad and watched Eloise play at home while her parents finished Christmas stuff. It was fun being a part of a normal life. It is not really cozy in a hospital or in a rehabilitation facility. I miss my home, and I am sure mom a lot, too. We both miss a proper Christmas with good food and family time. It will be different this year, but we will accept it and do the best we can tomorrow. Dad and Basti are coming to see us. We will go on a walk and eat some cake. It will be nice to be together. 

 

Mom asked me tonight, after she prayed for the two of us, if I still pray when alone. I was able to raise my hand to say yes. She asked me if I can feel the Holy Ghost as a comforter, especially now. I was able to raise my hand again to say YES. Mom also asked me, if I feel that I will be going to be alright. I was able to raise my hand again to say: Yes. I will be alright. 

 

With this, I would like you all to know that I could not do this without knowing that there is hope, a heavenly father who is giving me the help I need to get out of this mess. I am sure there are plenty who will read this with great skepticism. I understand, it is not always easy for me to be strong and patience. I grew up learning about God and Christ. I learned to believe, and I developed hope. In my case, I will go with HOPE OVER FEARS. 

 

I know that my life sucks right now. It feels like a dark place at times. Nevertheless, look at how far I came in only 4 months considering the size of my bleed. Look at the miracles on the way. (Biggest ones are all the insurances we had in place …;) I do know that each of you might carry your own difficulties into the new year. Life is awesome, but it also has many challenges to offer. I want you to make “Hope over fears” your new motto in life with the hope that life will be a bit lighter for you as well. 

 

As I try to heal it appears, that I am rather passive instead of being an active participant. Nevertheless, I am trying and putt effort in the process. I am  trying to hold on to, my believe. Knowing that God has not put me in this situation is good. Understanding that he is sad for me, too and here to strengthen me, open doors for me as well as able to let miracles happen, comforts me. My mom is has always taught me that life is unpredictable and many learning lessons are hidden away.  I want you to know that life will always move on, and many lessons are there for all of us to learn. Life is beautiful. We should not lose site of this beauty. In times like this, I wonder but as said, it is nice to know, that I don't have to rely on people alone, there is always a higher, loving power to guide and move things along. 

As most of you know, I served a mission for the mormon church in Chile. I have learned to speak Spanish because of this. I am bad with languages by the way. I have met so many incredible people in Chile and most of them were not rich and well off, but they were grateful with what they had and showed more happiness than some people I know who have everything. The friendships I made on my mission were special to me. It is hard not to be around them in school now. Thats were I can get very sentimental. So I will stop here. 

 

Have a Merry Christmas with your family and friends! 

 

Best wishes – Hope over Fears!

 

 

Tobias and Family