Day 99 (Nov 29)

Today was hands-down the best day for me since Tobias' injury with one large caveat.  Let me address the caveat first.

At 4:30 pm today, after experiencing the best day that Tobias has had since his injury, I received a message that someone, with whom I came into contact on Saturday of last week, had just tested positive for Covid.  The person had been exposed to Covid on Thursday, so it would have been unlikely that they would have already been infectious, however, I have taken care of Tobias every day and seen several friends at the hospital, so if I am infectious, I will have exposed several people.  Tobias would be the most at risk.  I do not wear a mask when I'm alone in the room with Tobias because it is not required by the hospital.  I do wear a mask in common areas, except when eating or when I'm alone with a small group of people who are not sick or have not been exposed to Covid.  I learned online that Covid symptoms usually occur on day five or six and that one is contagious roughly two days before symptoms appear.  This means that I wouldn't be contagious until tomorrow probably, even if I was infected.  The chance of infection is low because the room where I was in contact with the positive Covid case is large and, except for a quick fist bump, we were at least ten feet apart the entire time.  In any event, I left the hospital immediately and got tested.  I tested negative.  I do not have the Corona virus in my system at this time so I'm not infectious and I do not need to contact the many friends and hospital personnel to alert them to their exposure of the Corona virus.  It is still possible that I am infected and the virus hasn't replicated sufficiently to be contagious or show up in a test.  I will self-isolate for two days and then get tested again.  I'm also going to speak with someone tomorrow who knows what the right course of action is for my situation.  I feel disappointed that I will not be able to see Tobias and provide encouragement and support to him for two days.  The person who tested positive was not vaccinated.  Get vaccinated people.  It's the responsible thing to do.  How many more signs do people need to do the right thing?

So that's the bad news.  Other than that today was a breath of fresh air.  Tobias' heart rate was back to normal levels in the 80s.  He was more active in his therapies and he talked quite a bit, including a lot of vocalization.  After the past several days of feeling like he was sliding backwards, I felt a tangible relief to hear his voice again.  The secret today was to give him a sip of water before asking him the question.  The water seems to trigger his brain to connect with his speaking apparatus and today he was simply in good form.  At one point I was putting something away in the closet and when I turned around Tobias had lifted his arm in the air like he was raising his hand, but he could only reach to just under his nose.  I had already been using the water trick with success so I gave him a sip of water and asked why he was raising his hand.  I was caught completely off guard when he quietly, but clearly said "to itch my face".  That makes today "To Itch My Face" Day.  I'm not sure how we will celebrate TIMF Day in the future, but this was a big enough development that it requires an annual memorial.  I took one of the washcloths, because they are rough when they are dry, and I rubbed it over Tobias' entire face in tiny spirals.  That seemed to do the trick for Tobias.  Three positive take-aways are evident: 1) he was able to raise his hand almost high enough to itch his face 2) he was able to explain why he was doing it in clear language 3) he feels it when his face itches.  I'm gutted that I won't be able to see him for up to a few days until I'm sure that I don't have Covid.

Raising his arm to scratch an itchy nose wasn't the only development regarding his face today.  He showed a subtle improvement in his ability to make facial expressions.  The picture above was taken in the morning.  I have no idea what what going on in his head, but I looked over at him and and it looked like he was truly smiling.  His expression looked different at several points during the day, like his face was coming back on line.  To date he has shown no emotion with the exceptions of a stressed look to indicate discomfort and a sneer that probably means pain.  He showed more range in his expressiveness today which is a happy departure from the expressionless stare to which we've grown accustom.

The fall weather has been brilliant.  The air still carries a chill, but the blue sky lifts my spirits and provides an ideal medium for the sun's warmth to reach Tobias and me on our walks.  Today we managed two long walks.  In the morning I paced the sidewalk with Tobias for 45 minutes in between therapy sessions and in the afternoon we spent 90 minutes exploring a new path that brought us to a sunny section of sidewalk belonging to a medical research building uphill from us that we hadn't discovered yet.  Bonus points: the new area has a good view of the higher, snow-capped mountains to the south that have been obscured by the several buildings around us.

Katja and I Facetimed several times during the day and she and Emily both got to hear Tobias speak clearly on several occasions.  Katja also told me that she received an email that the air ambulance company confirmed Tobias' return date for Saturday, December 4th.  No word yet on whether I'll be able to travel with him and no confirmed date on when the neurosurgeon will perform Tobias' pre-flight angiogram.  I'll keep squeaky-wheeling it until we have better clarity.

When Tobias' accident first happened, it was easy to see the danger of losing hope and falling prey to doubt.  Because it was easy to recognize, it was also easy to reject it and other than the first several days of zombie life, I felt equipped to deal with the situation and maintained a positive attitude.  It has been harder for me to deal with the long-term effects of Tobias' injury and recovery.  I find it easier to handle big, difficult challenges that are short-term as opposed to even easier challenges that require a consistent effort over a longer period of time.  When Gulliver landed in Lilliput, the Lilliputians captured him in his sleep by winding countless small threads around him.  Any one thread was trivial, easily broken, but undetectable by a sleeping Gulliver.  The combined strength of all the threads bound Gulliver so firmly that he was unable to move and he lost his freedom.  I realized today that I've been affected by the many small threads of doubt that have been silently wrapped around my perspective over that past three months.  We don't know how much Tobias will be able to recover, but I have allowed the cumulative tangle of these doubts to move my energy away from helping Tobias and toward feeling sorry for him or for Katja and me.  The doubt is so fine-spun that I was influenced before I realized it.  It will probably happen again, because it's hard to recognize when the cumulative efforts of doubt are gaining ground, but I'm grateful for my friends' caring last night and Tobias' fine day that helped me wake up and overthrow the Lilliputians before I was more thoroughly ensnared.

Hope over fear.