Day 69 (Nov 2)

Tobias had another good day today.  Yesterday was better, but today was almost as good.  His heart rate stayed below 85 for most of the day, but he spiked up twice over 110.  He seemed to be storming because his limbs were rigid and he started sweating, but in both cases his symptoms went away once he was repositioned and received a clean (dry) brief.

He seemed to be less able and more tired than yesterday, but he still impressed during his therapy sessions.  He seems to have made a small jump in his abilities, hopefully heralding an acceleration of his recuperation.  He is executing a slow kicking motion with his right foot for a few inches and he answered correctly with no hesitation when I asked him the name of the speaker in one of his friend videos.  At many other times, however, he just stared past me like he was unable to hear or understand and he was often so tired that he couldn't be re-summoned to the here and now.

A friend asked me if there is anything that he could do to help and I couldn't think of anything.  I wish there were more that could be done to help Tobias along.  It is an incredibly slow process with no guarantee of far-reaching success.  I find that part of this experience hollow, but there is no choice but to persevere and administer a personal pep talk when things look grim and optimism falters.  We’re doing okay, but it is a drag on one’s spirits at times and it has been a strain on Katja and my relationship.  This isn't surprising because the stakes are high and the unyielding nature of Tobias' situation is tiring.  Neither of us are at our best all the time and this is the most taxing trial that we've faced.  It's not difficult to see how a tragedy like this can split people apart.  The muscle either becomes stronger through the strain and stress or it tears and fails.  We are committed to strengthening our relationship, but as all married people understand, it is often unglamorous, egoless work on both sides.  The burden is heavy and persistent, however we rally to the challenges and accept that we will both need to forgive each other when we make mistakes.

I accept that all accomplishments have their dark and difficult moments, the overcoming of which makes the thing a meaningful endeavor.  I wish that we weren’t in this difficult situation.  I mean that selfishly for my sake, for Katja and especially for Tobias, but like my grandpa apparently used to say (he died before I was born)  “wish in one hand and (expletive withheld) in the other and see which fills up faster.”  We want to spend our energy on what will actually help us move forward.  Self-pity and even feeling sorry for oneself feels like a drug to numb the pain, but won’t improve the situation.  It feels better, but one takes him/herself out of the picture and leaves the constructive efforts to others, or worse becomes a burden for others to bear.  It's best to try to stay focused on constructive actions and soldier on.  That's the plan anyway.

Hope over fear.